Ever wonder where you go when you're dead? Some people imagine a heaven or hell, perhaps a Limbo till it gets figured out. Other people envision a cycle of reincarnation, others approach the question with logic and realize they might be burned or stuffed in the ground. Regardless of where that permanent place is that one resides after death, the obvious truth is that once you expire, you land yourself in the morgue. And for some people, their after-life includes getting sliced open on a gurney.
Yep. Just witnessed my first autopsy today. And I'm not sure know how I feel about it.
Standing there, scrubbed up and focused, I found myself looking around the room and seeing this: A woman slicing through fascia to release organs from their captivity and plopping them into a bucket. A man working behind her on another autopsy, peeling back a man's scalp, his dreads flopping over his face as they were tugged forward. Another man standing near the door, running a knife across a sharpening rod. A woman by the sink, washing organs and then cutting through them like butter. It smelled sour.
It was weird, people. I know I'm going to be a doctor and everything... but something about the quickness, the violence, the nonchalantness of it all. It's like a different world in that autopsy room. The patients are not alive... but they look alive. They're nothing like our anatomy cadavers last year, they aren't pale and stiff. Instead, they're more like Eddie was, lying in his coffin.. young, fresh. After the Y-cut is made, you see everything - dark red muscles, bright yellow fat, blood actually pouring out when you cut through a vessel. It is shocking and awesome and terrifying.
I'm surprised I didn't vomit.
Our case was an unexpected death of a 40-something HIV positive, African American male. He was last seen at a Super Bowl party. Someone found him at home yesterday, gone. Next to him, the man with the dreads, was a younger African American male who'd hung himself while in custody - he'd shot someone last week. He had been on anti-depressants.
But these people aren't just "cases"... they're people! And I know I've already got all my issues to figure out with death and dying and the afterlife... after seeing too many friends pass away, I'm a wreck inside when it comes to that stuff. But when you see an autopsy performed... I am amazed at the people who work in the lab and do this every single day. I don't know how they do it.
We ended up not finding any gross pathology to lead us to a cause of death for the gentleman on our table, but samples were taken for microscopy and tox screens. Hopefully, his family and friends will find closure. That, after all, was why this was necessary. Right?
09 February 2011
26 January 2011
What did I do to deserve this Life?
Okay, so I haven't written in forever...
I really have been meaning to write. But somehow I feel weird writing about trivial things in this blog - like what I did in school today that was cool and doctor-ish, or a sweet new kitchen gadget I got (teapot and dessert shooters, if you were curious), or whatever else. I don't want to write about silly things... cause it makes me feel guilty.
I had a conversation with a classmate today, Mike. He's got an interesting background, Palestinian and having moved him from Jordan. He is worldly, knowledgeable, and contemplative, but might not ever to admit to any of those noble qualities. Mike is one of the most reflective people in our class, at times making him the most self-critical as well. We've had a few conversations before and I'd like to think we're becoming good friends. In the least, we value each other's company amongst the craziness that is med school.
We talked about tons of things, but mostly of a revelation of sorts that Mike had recently - why do I have the things I have? Material, opportunistic, whatever - what did I do to deserve it? I think we both agreed that though a small part of it had something to do with working hard (eg getting into med school), even that was predisposed by pure circumstance. The circumstance that we are here, living in the Triangle, near the best universities in the country, with the ability to buy the books we need and pay our rent and on and on. So sure, we've worked hard, but we are ABLE to work hard because of so many other things that we had no control over.
So what is it then? Luck? Fate? God? Maybe a bit of all three. Hell, maybe all three are really one thing.
My problem with thinking about why I even deserve what I have is this: that 1) I wont like the answer (being "You don't, you just have it anyway") and 2) that I'll feel guilty about it ("Other people work twice as hard and don't have half of what I have"...like survivor's guilt). Not liking the answer is perhaps okay, but feelings of guilt can be debilitating, at least for me. If I constantly feel bad for all the things I have, how will I ever put those things to good use? Not even for me, but for someone else?
But Mike made a good point after I expressed that sentiment. He doesn't think avoiding the question "Why?" is going to maintain one's ability to do good with what one has. Instead, he argued that asking "Why?" would push one to do better.
Interesting.
If I wonder about why I have been so "blessed" or "lucky" with the way my life has turned out, and don't answer the question with the naive response, "Because you worked for it," then clearly I am aware that the forces at work in this world are seemingly random and often unfair. If I at least wonder, then I can maintain some humility, release myself of entitlement and self-righteousness. I can remind myself that for whatever reason, I have so many gifts in my life. I am going to be a doctor, I have a beautiful family, I have a roof, a car, I have people who care, I have food to sustain me - I have life. And I shouldn't take any of it for granted. People have died for much less.
That's not a novel thought. How often have we heard, "Don't take things in life for granted - they could be gone tomorrow." But Mike offered me a new way of approaching that ancient piece of advice, and I am grateful for that. I am appreciative.
So, a new year's resolution of sorts: to ask myself, at least once every day, "Why am I in this moment? What have I done to deserve to be here, with this, right now?" Hopefully that brief reflection will remind me that though at times the world seems heavy, the stress is high, and my problems seem endless - those problems do actually end - at least, luckily, for me. For everything I have, for all that I am able, I should be grateful - and I should pay it forward.
I really have been meaning to write. But somehow I feel weird writing about trivial things in this blog - like what I did in school today that was cool and doctor-ish, or a sweet new kitchen gadget I got (teapot and dessert shooters, if you were curious), or whatever else. I don't want to write about silly things... cause it makes me feel guilty.
I had a conversation with a classmate today, Mike. He's got an interesting background, Palestinian and having moved him from Jordan. He is worldly, knowledgeable, and contemplative, but might not ever to admit to any of those noble qualities. Mike is one of the most reflective people in our class, at times making him the most self-critical as well. We've had a few conversations before and I'd like to think we're becoming good friends. In the least, we value each other's company amongst the craziness that is med school.
We talked about tons of things, but mostly of a revelation of sorts that Mike had recently - why do I have the things I have? Material, opportunistic, whatever - what did I do to deserve it? I think we both agreed that though a small part of it had something to do with working hard (eg getting into med school), even that was predisposed by pure circumstance. The circumstance that we are here, living in the Triangle, near the best universities in the country, with the ability to buy the books we need and pay our rent and on and on. So sure, we've worked hard, but we are ABLE to work hard because of so many other things that we had no control over.
So what is it then? Luck? Fate? God? Maybe a bit of all three. Hell, maybe all three are really one thing.
My problem with thinking about why I even deserve what I have is this: that 1) I wont like the answer (being "You don't, you just have it anyway") and 2) that I'll feel guilty about it ("Other people work twice as hard and don't have half of what I have"...like survivor's guilt). Not liking the answer is perhaps okay, but feelings of guilt can be debilitating, at least for me. If I constantly feel bad for all the things I have, how will I ever put those things to good use? Not even for me, but for someone else?
But Mike made a good point after I expressed that sentiment. He doesn't think avoiding the question "Why?" is going to maintain one's ability to do good with what one has. Instead, he argued that asking "Why?" would push one to do better.
Interesting.
If I wonder about why I have been so "blessed" or "lucky" with the way my life has turned out, and don't answer the question with the naive response, "Because you worked for it," then clearly I am aware that the forces at work in this world are seemingly random and often unfair. If I at least wonder, then I can maintain some humility, release myself of entitlement and self-righteousness. I can remind myself that for whatever reason, I have so many gifts in my life. I am going to be a doctor, I have a beautiful family, I have a roof, a car, I have people who care, I have food to sustain me - I have life. And I shouldn't take any of it for granted. People have died for much less.
That's not a novel thought. How often have we heard, "Don't take things in life for granted - they could be gone tomorrow." But Mike offered me a new way of approaching that ancient piece of advice, and I am grateful for that. I am appreciative.
So, a new year's resolution of sorts: to ask myself, at least once every day, "Why am I in this moment? What have I done to deserve to be here, with this, right now?" Hopefully that brief reflection will remind me that though at times the world seems heavy, the stress is high, and my problems seem endless - those problems do actually end - at least, luckily, for me. For everything I have, for all that I am able, I should be grateful - and I should pay it forward.
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