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26 January 2011

What did I do to deserve this Life?

Okay, so I haven't written in forever...

I really have been meaning to write. But somehow I feel weird writing about trivial things in this blog - like what I did in school today that was cool and doctor-ish, or a sweet new kitchen gadget I got (teapot and dessert shooters, if you were curious), or whatever else. I don't want to write about silly things... cause it makes me feel guilty.

I had a conversation with a classmate today, Mike. He's got an interesting background, Palestinian and having moved him from Jordan. He is worldly, knowledgeable, and contemplative, but might not ever to admit to any of those noble qualities. Mike is one of the most reflective people in our class, at times making him the most self-critical as well. We've had a few conversations before and I'd like to think we're becoming good friends. In the least, we value each other's company amongst the craziness that is med school.

We talked about tons of things, but mostly of a revelation of sorts that Mike had recently - why do I have the things I have? Material, opportunistic, whatever - what did I do to deserve it? I think we both agreed that though a small part of it had something to do with working hard (eg getting into med school), even that was predisposed  by pure circumstance. The circumstance that we are here, living in the Triangle, near the best universities in the country, with the ability to buy the books we need and pay our rent and on and on. So sure, we've worked hard, but we are ABLE to work hard because of so many other things that we had no control over.

So what is it then? Luck? Fate? God? Maybe a bit of all three. Hell, maybe all three are really one thing.

My problem with thinking about why I even deserve what I have is this: that 1) I wont like the answer (being "You don't, you just have it anyway") and 2) that I'll feel guilty about it ("Other people work twice as hard and don't have half of what I have"...like survivor's guilt). Not liking the answer is perhaps okay, but feelings of guilt can be debilitating, at least for me. If I constantly feel bad for all the things I have, how will I ever put those things to good use? Not even for me, but for someone else?

But Mike made a good point after I expressed that sentiment. He doesn't think avoiding the question "Why?" is going to maintain one's ability to do good with what one has. Instead, he argued that asking "Why?" would push one to do better.

Interesting.

If I wonder about why I have been so "blessed" or "lucky" with the way my life has turned out, and don't answer the question with the naive response, "Because you worked for it," then clearly I am aware that the forces at work in this world are seemingly random and often unfair. If I at least wonder, then I can maintain some humility, release myself of entitlement and self-righteousness. I can remind myself that for whatever reason, I have so many gifts in my life. I am going to be a doctor, I have a beautiful family, I have a roof, a car, I have people who care, I have food to sustain me - I have life. And I shouldn't take any of it for granted. People have died for much less.

That's not a novel thought. How often have we heard, "Don't take things in life for granted - they could be gone tomorrow." But Mike offered me a new way of approaching that ancient piece of advice, and I am grateful for that. I am appreciative.

So, a new year's resolution of sorts: to ask myself, at least once every day, "Why am I in this moment? What have I done to deserve to be here, with this, right now?" Hopefully that brief reflection will remind me that though at times the world seems heavy, the stress is high, and my problems seem endless - those problems do actually end - at least, luckily, for me. For everything I have, for all that I am able, I should be grateful - and I should pay it forward.